Cutting and the Joys of High School

http://incurable-hippie.blogspot.com/2007/03/difference-between-self-harm-and.html

I found this interesting article today. I got a hold of a new razor blade today, with the help of a friend. I needed it. I cut again, but who really cares about that? I mean, come on, I stopped for a month and a half. I didn't get very far, did I? I mean, my friends are suicidal, I'm unhappy, etc. It's just my way of coping, and if they don't like it, than they need to get over themselves. I only told one person about it though. It was the last person it seems like I would tell, but for some reason, he tells me more than he should, and vice verse. Jonathan is a better friend than I thought (though he is now,again,dating my best friend). He, of course, said the usual 'bad Hartley tsk tsk cutting is bad it gets you no where' etc. I don't really care though. As long as Greg doesn't find out.

I'm not doing this to hurt Greg, I just know that if he knew about it, he would be upset. He confided in me and told me that he gets sad every time I tell him I cut again. I don't want him to be sad. He doesn't get it though. He doesn't understand why I do it (or at least I don't think he does). I know he did it one time, but I have different reasons than him. Disappointing people is my strong suite, and I don't particularly care for it. Disappointing Greg would be worse than disappointing my parents (which happens on a regular basis, hence the cutting). He's not the only one I'm hiding it from though, Neelou is still in the dark too. She said she would rather have me cut than take painkillers, but it still sucks that it comes to that. I love her and all, but again, I don't think she fully understands why I do stupid stuff like this.

Mark. He's the one who actually understands. He's the one that wrote that note to me in my other entry. He is a cutter too, and a burner, and other things. He's not just into SI though, he's also suicidal. Mark is special though. He understands things, and can explain them to people easily. He's helped me out a lot in the few months that I've known him. That's how I got my blade. All I did was ask, and he gives it to me at school today. Though we can get expelled for having it, he understands. He is pretty bad though, in the cutting sense. When he gets dark, I get really scared for him. He doesn't seem to think about what he's doing, or thinks about it in half a mind. It scares me at times. He's not just your average cutter. 34 times he's thought about/planned to kill himself. It's hard to imagine life without him. I would be very upset. Jonathan and Greg don't particularly like him, but I don't think they see him for who he really is. When he's not dark or hyper, he's a really good friend. When he gets hyper, it's scary (but in a funny laugh at from a distance way). Neelou introduced us actually. She is his friend too, and knows about his...dark side. Though he says he tells me more stuff than he tells her. This may be because I tell him so much stuff that he wouldn't want to know, he can return the favor (lol). Actually, it's mostly because I don't judge him. She attempted to get him to stop cutting once...of course, it didn't work. I told he he can do it if he has to, because I seriously don't need him to kill himself, which he would do if he didn't cut or do other things of that nature.

So, on to happier things. Neelou and Jonathan are back together again. We don't know exactly what happened, but they are back, so it's all good. And it seems like mine and Jonathans friendship isn't going anywhere because of it, so I am at ease. I don't know how Greg feels about it though. He was really happy that he could finely talk to Neelou again. This whole 'get back together' thing screws that up. But I'm happy for them. They are happy, so I'm happy.
Loves, Hearts

Suicide, oh what fun

I have a box

in side are 34 suicide notes, 20 of which I have written since I met you, 12 of which you have talked me out of using, and 4 of which the thought of what you would think has helped me decide not to kill myself

every note has a sticky note

with the date

and why I did not complete it

Someone said this to me on the comp today. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to respond. Everyone is all suicidal and depressed. I cut once...today. Stupid me and my spaz moments. I just get a bit out of control and oops...looks like I cut again. Damn...

Neelou broke up with Jonathan. Long story short, now she says she did the wrong thing and regrets doing it *rolls eyes*. I dunno..if they get back together, things are going to be way awkward. And I don't know how well me and Greg are doing. We've been kind of at each other recently. I'm in Alaska for spring break, so I'm really beginning to miss him. And everyone is getting on my nerves about the break up. Kind of at the breaking point. And my parents keep bringing up that I'm suicidal and a cutter etc. I'm tired of it.

More tomorrow, I promise. Loves, Hearts