The year ends this week D: It's really sad. I had a party last night, which was pretty awesome. It looks like I havent updated in a while here. So, some new additions to my life.
1) I stopped cutting a long time ago :D
2) My brother decided to just live in Alaska D:
3) I broke up with Greg...
4) Neelou broke up with Jonathan
5) Jonathan asked me out
6) Mark asked Neelou out
7) I got my Alaska phone taken away
8) We moved my horse to a new barn
9) I had brain surgery
10) I placed 8th in the district for Hunt Seat Over Fences in OHSET and lettered.
Yeah, lots of changes. Most are for the better though. Oh man, time to study for finals, maybe I can update some more later :)
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Monday, April 2, 2007
Cutting and the Joys of High School
http://incurable-hippie.blogspot.com/2007/03/difference-between-self-harm-and.html
I found this interesting article today. I got a hold of a new razor blade today, with the help of a friend. I needed it. I cut again, but who really cares about that? I mean, come on, I stopped for a month and a half. I didn't get very far, did I? I mean, my friends are suicidal, I'm unhappy, etc. It's just my way of coping, and if they don't like it, than they need to get over themselves. I only told one person about it though. It was the last person it seems like I would tell, but for some reason, he tells me more than he should, and vice verse. Jonathan is a better friend than I thought (though he is now,again,dating my best friend). He, of course, said the usual 'bad Hartley tsk tsk cutting is bad it gets you no where' etc. I don't really care though. As long as Greg doesn't find out.
I'm not doing this to hurt Greg, I just know that if he knew about it, he would be upset. He confided in me and told me that he gets sad every time I tell him I cut again. I don't want him to be sad. He doesn't get it though. He doesn't understand why I do it (or at least I don't think he does). I know he did it one time, but I have different reasons than him. Disappointing people is my strong suite, and I don't particularly care for it. Disappointing Greg would be worse than disappointing my parents (which happens on a regular basis, hence the cutting). He's not the only one I'm hiding it from though, Neelou is still in the dark too. She said she would rather have me cut than take painkillers, but it still sucks that it comes to that. I love her and all, but again, I don't think she fully understands why I do stupid stuff like this.
Mark. He's the one who actually understands. He's the one that wrote that note to me in my other entry. He is a cutter too, and a burner, and other things. He's not just into SI though, he's also suicidal. Mark is special though. He understands things, and can explain them to people easily. He's helped me out a lot in the few months that I've known him. That's how I got my blade. All I did was ask, and he gives it to me at school today. Though we can get expelled for having it, he understands. He is pretty bad though, in the cutting sense. When he gets dark, I get really scared for him. He doesn't seem to think about what he's doing, or thinks about it in half a mind. It scares me at times. He's not just your average cutter. 34 times he's thought about/planned to kill himself. It's hard to imagine life without him. I would be very upset. Jonathan and Greg don't particularly like him, but I don't think they see him for who he really is. When he's not dark or hyper, he's a really good friend. When he gets hyper, it's scary (but in a funny laugh at from a distance way). Neelou introduced us actually. She is his friend too, and knows about his...dark side. Though he says he tells me more stuff than he tells her. This may be because I tell him so much stuff that he wouldn't want to know, he can return the favor (lol). Actually, it's mostly because I don't judge him. She attempted to get him to stop cutting once...of course, it didn't work. I told he he can do it if he has to, because I seriously don't need him to kill himself, which he would do if he didn't cut or do other things of that nature.
So, on to happier things. Neelou and Jonathan are back together again. We don't know exactly what happened, but they are back, so it's all good. And it seems like mine and Jonathans friendship isn't going anywhere because of it, so I am at ease. I don't know how Greg feels about it though. He was really happy that he could finely talk to Neelou again. This whole 'get back together' thing screws that up. But I'm happy for them. They are happy, so I'm happy.
Loves, Hearts
I found this interesting article today. I got a hold of a new razor blade today, with the help of a friend. I needed it. I cut again, but who really cares about that? I mean, come on, I stopped for a month and a half. I didn't get very far, did I? I mean, my friends are suicidal, I'm unhappy, etc. It's just my way of coping, and if they don't like it, than they need to get over themselves. I only told one person about it though. It was the last person it seems like I would tell, but for some reason, he tells me more than he should, and vice verse. Jonathan is a better friend than I thought (though he is now,again,dating my best friend). He, of course, said the usual 'bad Hartley tsk tsk cutting is bad it gets you no where' etc. I don't really care though. As long as Greg doesn't find out.
I'm not doing this to hurt Greg, I just know that if he knew about it, he would be upset. He confided in me and told me that he gets sad every time I tell him I cut again. I don't want him to be sad. He doesn't get it though. He doesn't understand why I do it (or at least I don't think he does). I know he did it one time, but I have different reasons than him. Disappointing people is my strong suite, and I don't particularly care for it. Disappointing Greg would be worse than disappointing my parents (which happens on a regular basis, hence the cutting). He's not the only one I'm hiding it from though, Neelou is still in the dark too. She said she would rather have me cut than take painkillers, but it still sucks that it comes to that. I love her and all, but again, I don't think she fully understands why I do stupid stuff like this.
Mark. He's the one who actually understands. He's the one that wrote that note to me in my other entry. He is a cutter too, and a burner, and other things. He's not just into SI though, he's also suicidal. Mark is special though. He understands things, and can explain them to people easily. He's helped me out a lot in the few months that I've known him. That's how I got my blade. All I did was ask, and he gives it to me at school today. Though we can get expelled for having it, he understands. He is pretty bad though, in the cutting sense. When he gets dark, I get really scared for him. He doesn't seem to think about what he's doing, or thinks about it in half a mind. It scares me at times. He's not just your average cutter. 34 times he's thought about/planned to kill himself. It's hard to imagine life without him. I would be very upset. Jonathan and Greg don't particularly like him, but I don't think they see him for who he really is. When he's not dark or hyper, he's a really good friend. When he gets hyper, it's scary (but in a funny laugh at from a distance way). Neelou introduced us actually. She is his friend too, and knows about his...dark side. Though he says he tells me more stuff than he tells her. This may be because I tell him so much stuff that he wouldn't want to know, he can return the favor (lol). Actually, it's mostly because I don't judge him. She attempted to get him to stop cutting once...of course, it didn't work. I told he he can do it if he has to, because I seriously don't need him to kill himself, which he would do if he didn't cut or do other things of that nature.
So, on to happier things. Neelou and Jonathan are back together again. We don't know exactly what happened, but they are back, so it's all good. And it seems like mine and Jonathans friendship isn't going anywhere because of it, so I am at ease. I don't know how Greg feels about it though. He was really happy that he could finely talk to Neelou again. This whole 'get back together' thing screws that up. But I'm happy for them. They are happy, so I'm happy.
Loves, Hearts
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Suicide, oh what fun
I have a box
in side are 34 suicide notes, 20 of which I have written since I met you, 12 of which you have talked me out of using, and 4 of which the thought of what you would think has helped me decide not to kill myself
every note has a sticky note
with the date
and why I did not complete it
Someone said this to me on the comp today. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to respond. Everyone is all suicidal and depressed. I cut once...today. Stupid me and my spaz moments. I just get a bit out of control and oops...looks like I cut again. Damn...
Neelou broke up with Jonathan. Long story short, now she says she did the wrong thing and regrets doing it *rolls eyes*. I dunno..if they get back together, things are going to be way awkward. And I don't know how well me and Greg are doing. We've been kind of at each other recently. I'm in Alaska for spring break, so I'm really beginning to miss him. And everyone is getting on my nerves about the break up. Kind of at the breaking point. And my parents keep bringing up that I'm suicidal and a cutter etc. I'm tired of it.
More tomorrow, I promise. Loves, Hearts
Someone said this to me on the comp today. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to respond. Everyone is all suicidal and depressed. I cut once...today. Stupid me and my spaz moments. I just get a bit out of control and oops...looks like I cut again. Damn...
Neelou broke up with Jonathan. Long story short, now she says she did the wrong thing and regrets doing it *rolls eyes*. I dunno..if they get back together, things are going to be way awkward. And I don't know how well me and Greg are doing. We've been kind of at each other recently. I'm in Alaska for spring break, so I'm really beginning to miss him. And everyone is getting on my nerves about the break up. Kind of at the breaking point. And my parents keep bringing up that I'm suicidal and a cutter etc. I'm tired of it.
More tomorrow, I promise. Loves, Hearts
Friday, March 16, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Tuesday's Are Good Days
Well, in some aspects. Lunch time was..er..pretty stupid. The stupid band geeks were throwing books at us and bugging us. We, of course, threw the books back. Well, actaully, Greg did the throwing. Then they wouldn't leave us the hell alone!
So last night I got 5 hours of sleep. Charlie hacked into Jonathan's e-mail and sent Neelou all of the e-mails between Jonathan and his ex (from when they were still together). She was going to dump him, but some things kinda changed her mind. She said he didn't even talk about sex with his old girlfriend, which he does quite a bit with Neels. She also said it seems like he loves her more than he does Neelou. Sasha...yeah...that's her name. But Jonathan said it was in he past etc. Pretty much the same thing that I told her. Greg told her she should break up with him, but I told her she shouldn't. Haha...I see the way they look at each other though, they love each other. And you can tell. The way he talks about her when she's not around and stuff like that. Yeah...I told her she would regret it if she broke up with him now. It's been 3 months, and they haven't had any problems, something was bound to happen.
Jonathan is pissed at Charlie though. I can totally see why too. Charlie had absolutely no right to do that. Some things people just should'nt see. I seriously can't figure out if Charlie is A) Stupid as hell, or B) has no moral values and only thinks of himself, or C) Really wants to fuck up peoples relationships. Or a combination of all of them. If he hadn't done that though, nothing like this would have happened.
I got to go to dance last night. W00t! It was a lot of fun. We did kickboxing and some hip hop. Everyone is trying to get in shape for Worlds. Though I am not going, it's still a lot of fun to work out with the group. And my legs and arms are sore enough to show that I did get some good excercise. I also learned part of my new Slip Jig, which I am totally excited to do in the next feis. Can't wait...First I actually have to master the lead though...
Tess scratched up part of her neck :( Playing out in the field...But at least she is happy. Having 4 acres to run around in is sooo good for her. She is a lot happier and calmer now. No one really believes me when I tell them about how she was before. OHSET is in 2 weeks though, and I am so not ready :/
Loves, Heart
So last night I got 5 hours of sleep. Charlie hacked into Jonathan's e-mail and sent Neelou all of the e-mails between Jonathan and his ex (from when they were still together). She was going to dump him, but some things kinda changed her mind. She said he didn't even talk about sex with his old girlfriend, which he does quite a bit with Neels. She also said it seems like he loves her more than he does Neelou. Sasha...yeah...that's her name. But Jonathan said it was in he past etc. Pretty much the same thing that I told her. Greg told her she should break up with him, but I told her she shouldn't. Haha...I see the way they look at each other though, they love each other. And you can tell. The way he talks about her when she's not around and stuff like that. Yeah...I told her she would regret it if she broke up with him now. It's been 3 months, and they haven't had any problems, something was bound to happen.
Jonathan is pissed at Charlie though. I can totally see why too. Charlie had absolutely no right to do that. Some things people just should'nt see. I seriously can't figure out if Charlie is A) Stupid as hell, or B) has no moral values and only thinks of himself, or C) Really wants to fuck up peoples relationships. Or a combination of all of them. If he hadn't done that though, nothing like this would have happened.
I got to go to dance last night. W00t! It was a lot of fun. We did kickboxing and some hip hop. Everyone is trying to get in shape for Worlds. Though I am not going, it's still a lot of fun to work out with the group. And my legs and arms are sore enough to show that I did get some good excercise. I also learned part of my new Slip Jig, which I am totally excited to do in the next feis. Can't wait...First I actually have to master the lead though...
Tess scratched up part of her neck :( Playing out in the field...But at least she is happy. Having 4 acres to run around in is sooo good for her. She is a lot happier and calmer now. No one really believes me when I tell them about how she was before. OHSET is in 2 weeks though, and I am so not ready :/
Loves, Heart
Monday, March 12, 2007
Mhm...monday...
Yup, another my monday. I hate monday's. Monday and Friday both suck because 1) we have to carry all of our books to school and 2) it means we have short classes. Which I hate. You can never get anything done in 45 minutes.
Jenny is still being wierd...and not just to me, but to everyone. Even Neels and Greg. Some people are done putting up with her, and I can see why. She's making a lot more enemies than friends at the moment. And she's seriously getting on peoples nerves. So what if she is on antidepressants, so are a lot of people. Does'nt give her permission to be a complete bitch to everyone. In the beginning of the school year she wasn't like this...She can go ahead and blame me and Neelou for it and say that we ditched her ,etc. ever since we got boyfriends, but she was like this before that. I seriously don't understand why she's trying to push us all away...
On a happier note, I'm no longer failing biology! Yay! Not that that really matters...
It's odd how a lot of things have changed in the past couple of months. A lot of things have changed even since winter break. I mean, before break I didn't really have any regrets. Now I have quite a few. I did start wearing T-shirts again, which is always a good thing. I kind of stopped after I started cutting. Even when I was cutting my leg, I didn't wear T-shirts much. Mostly sweatshirts. I look better in t-shirts too, so that's always a plus.
I'm still kind of scared for Mark. He asked me last night what I would do if he jumped off a bridge. He stopped drinking recently, because of his girlfriend, so that is awesome. He also stopped doing the painkillers. He took 28. Yeah, 6 more than I did that one time...he's also a cutter. I seriously don't know what I would do if he ever did kill himself. He's my newest friend, but he already knows more about me than most of my other friends. To lose him would be...terrible. He promised he wouldn't though. I hope he can keep that promise.
Neelou was really quiet today. I thought she was stoned, but she wouldn't ever do drugs.
She didn't even say anything really perverted or anything! O.o That's just odd for her. Usually every other things she says is perverted. I wonder if it had anything to do with her atics last night with Jonathan. So far we know they didn't DO IT but that there was a large amount of touching, and from what I heard from Jonathan, she started it. So I dunno what exactly happened, but it wasn't quite good...she's to damn submissive xD
At lunch...there was some guy on guy action in the library and someone attempted to jump a bookshelf. Problem was that Greg,Jonathan,Neels, and me were on the other side...kind of like what happened last week when one of the guys threw a backpack over the shelf at me and Greg. Stupid upperclassmen...I'll be so happy when I'm a sophomore.
Loves, Heart
Jenny is still being wierd...and not just to me, but to everyone. Even Neels and Greg. Some people are done putting up with her, and I can see why. She's making a lot more enemies than friends at the moment. And she's seriously getting on peoples nerves. So what if she is on antidepressants, so are a lot of people. Does'nt give her permission to be a complete bitch to everyone. In the beginning of the school year she wasn't like this...She can go ahead and blame me and Neelou for it and say that we ditched her ,etc. ever since we got boyfriends, but she was like this before that. I seriously don't understand why she's trying to push us all away...
On a happier note, I'm no longer failing biology! Yay! Not that that really matters...
It's odd how a lot of things have changed in the past couple of months. A lot of things have changed even since winter break. I mean, before break I didn't really have any regrets. Now I have quite a few. I did start wearing T-shirts again, which is always a good thing. I kind of stopped after I started cutting. Even when I was cutting my leg, I didn't wear T-shirts much. Mostly sweatshirts. I look better in t-shirts too, so that's always a plus.
I'm still kind of scared for Mark. He asked me last night what I would do if he jumped off a bridge. He stopped drinking recently, because of his girlfriend, so that is awesome. He also stopped doing the painkillers. He took 28. Yeah, 6 more than I did that one time...he's also a cutter. I seriously don't know what I would do if he ever did kill himself. He's my newest friend, but he already knows more about me than most of my other friends. To lose him would be...terrible. He promised he wouldn't though. I hope he can keep that promise.
Neelou was really quiet today. I thought she was stoned, but she wouldn't ever do drugs.
She didn't even say anything really perverted or anything! O.o That's just odd for her. Usually every other things she says is perverted. I wonder if it had anything to do with her atics last night with Jonathan. So far we know they didn't DO IT but that there was a large amount of touching, and from what I heard from Jonathan, she started it. So I dunno what exactly happened, but it wasn't quite good...she's to damn submissive xD
At lunch...there was some guy on guy action in the library and someone attempted to jump a bookshelf. Problem was that Greg,Jonathan,Neels, and me were on the other side...kind of like what happened last week when one of the guys threw a backpack over the shelf at me and Greg. Stupid upperclassmen...I'll be so happy when I'm a sophomore.
Loves, Heart
Sunday, March 11, 2007
My Life in a Nutshell
This afternoon was pretty fun. I ended up meeting up with Greg at the park. After 6 hours of homework I needed to get out of the house. Though having to sprint home and have my mom call and yell at me for being late (3 seperate times) was really annoying. She didn't exactly know I was meeting him there...but that's ok. She can stay in the dark about that one.
After that I went and hung out at the barn with Tess and some of the other adults there. Tess is my Thoroughbred Paint mare who I have owned since October 2006. She's 9 years old and still quite spunky. We had to switch barn this month because our old barn was going to be condemned soon. It's kind of odd being at the new barn because here, I'm kind of at the bottom of the chain. I'm the newest member and I have no friends there. At the old barn I was one of the oldest girls, everyone there was my friend, etc. It's funny how everything changes. I actually kinda hate it at the new place. My horse is to scared to even go into her stall, this being because the bar is to low that holds the door on, and she hit her head on it the first day there. She has been getting herself so worked up she's sweaty after a half hour ride. This isn't normal for her.
My friends are kinda out of wack recently. Jenny is...odd...she acts all mean and bitchy to me, but then she expects me to like her. You've got to be kidding me...And ever since me and Greg started going out I haven't really hung out with any of my other friends, even though we sit at the same lunch table! Neelou...yeah...she's my best friend. My only real friend recently.
I've been going through a kind of dark time recently. I actually have gone 2 weeks without cutting, and see my therapist regularly. It's actually helping. I haven't freaked out at my mom after she yelled at me or anything like that. I haven't even taken massive amounts of painkillers or tried to commit suicide. That's a huge plus. I know everyone was a bit worried about me because of some of the things I was doing. 22 painkillers is not good at all. Though you get incredibly high, you can do some serious damage. Or so I found out. I couldn't eat for days after that without getting a stomach ache.
Some background information on me: Parents got divorced when I was 4, mom ran off to Oregon with her new boyfriend leaving me and my twin brother with my now single dad. My dad was an oil tanker captain and would leave for months at a time, so he eventually had to have my mom take us. I was incredibly geeky for a while, untill 6th grade actually, and was a loner. I lived in a small town for 11 years called Homer in Alaska. I would live there for half a year (switching every couple of months) and come to West Linn for the other half. I had few friends in WL and a large amount in Homer. In 8th grade my dad decided to move us to Anchorage so he could be closer to his job. So me, Logan (twin bro), Heather (stepmom), Bailey(7 year old half sister), and Isabella (4 year old half sister) and Spaz (our cat), all moved on June 4th of 2005. I went to Hanshew middle school where I learned a lot about city schools and what to do and what not to do. It was an interesting experiance.
This year it kind of all changed in the loner department. I actually have friends! We have a kind of odd group.There are actully a lot of kids in it, which is interesting because last year we had one of the smallest groups. All of the popular kids kind of split up and so our group is really large compaired to some of the others. Our school isn't as cliquey as it was in middle school, so everyone has different friends in different groups. We're actually a couple of groups banded together, which is cool. Means we get some more guys. But yeah, this year was kind of the one that changed it all. I can't even imagine life without my friends.
I'll try to fill in some more details tomorrow. Loves, Heart
After that I went and hung out at the barn with Tess and some of the other adults there. Tess is my Thoroughbred Paint mare who I have owned since October 2006. She's 9 years old and still quite spunky. We had to switch barn this month because our old barn was going to be condemned soon. It's kind of odd being at the new barn because here, I'm kind of at the bottom of the chain. I'm the newest member and I have no friends there. At the old barn I was one of the oldest girls, everyone there was my friend, etc. It's funny how everything changes. I actually kinda hate it at the new place. My horse is to scared to even go into her stall, this being because the bar is to low that holds the door on, and she hit her head on it the first day there. She has been getting herself so worked up she's sweaty after a half hour ride. This isn't normal for her.
My friends are kinda out of wack recently. Jenny is...odd...she acts all mean and bitchy to me, but then she expects me to like her. You've got to be kidding me...And ever since me and Greg started going out I haven't really hung out with any of my other friends, even though we sit at the same lunch table! Neelou...yeah...she's my best friend. My only real friend recently.
I've been going through a kind of dark time recently. I actually have gone 2 weeks without cutting, and see my therapist regularly. It's actually helping. I haven't freaked out at my mom after she yelled at me or anything like that. I haven't even taken massive amounts of painkillers or tried to commit suicide. That's a huge plus. I know everyone was a bit worried about me because of some of the things I was doing. 22 painkillers is not good at all. Though you get incredibly high, you can do some serious damage. Or so I found out. I couldn't eat for days after that without getting a stomach ache.
Some background information on me: Parents got divorced when I was 4, mom ran off to Oregon with her new boyfriend leaving me and my twin brother with my now single dad. My dad was an oil tanker captain and would leave for months at a time, so he eventually had to have my mom take us. I was incredibly geeky for a while, untill 6th grade actually, and was a loner. I lived in a small town for 11 years called Homer in Alaska. I would live there for half a year (switching every couple of months) and come to West Linn for the other half. I had few friends in WL and a large amount in Homer. In 8th grade my dad decided to move us to Anchorage so he could be closer to his job. So me, Logan (twin bro), Heather (stepmom), Bailey(7 year old half sister), and Isabella (4 year old half sister) and Spaz (our cat), all moved on June 4th of 2005. I went to Hanshew middle school where I learned a lot about city schools and what to do and what not to do. It was an interesting experiance.
This year it kind of all changed in the loner department. I actually have friends! We have a kind of odd group.There are actully a lot of kids in it, which is interesting because last year we had one of the smallest groups. All of the popular kids kind of split up and so our group is really large compaired to some of the others. Our school isn't as cliquey as it was in middle school, so everyone has different friends in different groups. We're actually a couple of groups banded together, which is cool. Means we get some more guys. But yeah, this year was kind of the one that changed it all. I can't even imagine life without my friends.
I'll try to fill in some more details tomorrow. Loves, Heart
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